Just got back from one of my walks. Don't know why I keep walking, it never really makes me feel better, even though it does make good headspace at times. Without the mp3 player, I thought it would have been much more boring and depressing, knowing the dangerous tangents my mind can fly to - but it was pretty much the same, really.
There was a passage, actually it was a major feature of the narrator, in the first book of Auster's New York Trilogy that talked about walking as a means to stay hollow, or something like that. Maybe there's something I can associate with it there, but maybe it's just some sick form of wishful thinking: wanting to identify with a renowned US writer. Then again, it's nice when literature (art in general) makes you feel a sense of human companionship and camaraderie, so maybe I'm not so sick for thinking so.
Thought about my predilection for cultish stuff as well, and how that too, carries a sense of camaradierie at the best of times, because the fans and the people involved are underdogs. But it's too simplistic a division and I don't want to base my life around it. It's about 'us or them' and life is not that simple. I guess, like a lot of people, I bought into it for so long because it was the closest thing at hand and because it was a very easy way to look at the world. But life isn't that simple, clear-cut or easy. It's a lot more challenging, and subsequently scarier, to dig into something that's meant for humanity in general, or for those who would understand it. It makes me feel naked and vulnerable, my faults will be revealed, but that's the transitional process, to something more enriching I suppose. Read and interesting article on [link] that's related to what I'm talking about.

"The ideals the counter culture were based on, once upon a time, are close to my heart: self-expression, freedom, an element of egalitarianism, and most importantly, compassion"

It's called 'Wake Up, Neo - There's no counter-culture, you twit' and it goes on to discuss how being militant about counter-culture is flawed, name-dropping a great Tool song, 'Hooker With a Penis', which I think is one of the most lucid arguments against the 'sell-out' issue: "All you know about me is what I sold you/I sold out long before you ever even heard my name". Anyway check out the whole thing at [link]

I guess I want to grow while retaining certain parts of myself, I'm becoming very proud of my 'cocoon'. The only problem is, I'm not entirely sure what I want to keep and what I want to grow out of. Maybe it's not for me to decide, maybe I should let things run their course? I've got a pretty good faith in my instincts when it comes to what I feel is relevant to me, but I'm not so confident when it comes to ACTING on changing it or doing anything about it. Meh. Thought about one of my schtiks (sp?) from the last two years. I kept posturing, saying how I'm a 'postmodern mess' because I feel that there's little to me as a person and that I'm just defined by what I like and dislike - be it books, films, music, whatever. Not sure what to make of that really, save that deep down (hopefully!) I knew that it wasn't true, that deep down (not a pleasant fact to admit) I was just doing it for the 'po-mo chic' factor and that it was a natural aspect of feeling nihilistic for so long. Because I really didn't know how to describe my attributes: I knew I was kind, accomodating, intelligent. But the first two, I feel they're fuelled way too much by my passivity, by the way I just threw myself onto people after letting go of my extreme introversion - as an easy fix for loneliness, as a way to discract myself from responsibilities. I don't want to go back to the way I was before, I'm glad I made connections and friends for life, albeit after a good deal of filtering.
I guess I know I want to grow up. I don't feel good being passive about it anymore - hanging out with pretty much anyone I can chat to about a hobby we have in common, and overlooking their faults and magnifying our connection. This is a holistic thing, the same thing applies to being healithier (physically), to taking a better interest in my grooming, to being better organised with both Uni and journalism work...
I'd like to believe that the nihilistic thing isn't true. I like to think that there is something unique behind it all, no matter how small. It's like Valerie's speech in V for Vendetta. The inch that nobody can take away from you. There was a 'This Much I Know' with Ronnie Corbett on today's Observer Mag, and he mentions something similar: "When you're at your lowest, and someone is really shitty to you, there should be a little kernel of your soul, your very interior, where your fundamental principles and scruples lie, that should remain inviolate"

See? getting it all from outside sources again

Got the latest Empire issue from the Newskiosk as I was walking. it's a superhero special, it felt so easy just slipping into the geekiness. Though I had no idea they were making an adaptation of Stardust, with Robert De Niro and Clare Danes. See, that would never have happened during my all-out geek days.