Feeling a bit sad and insecure. I keep thinking that I'm a bore, that I'm inept and not enough of a fighter (considering what I want to do/achieve in life, that I'm feeble, hapless, easy to manipulate, with no voice of my own. I'm finding self expression increasingly tough. Whenever I speak it's like I'm not clear enough, so people chat amongst themselves and I have to raise my voice to be heard. I always seem to go for the wrong words and can barely shape out basic sentences without sounding awkward or a bit off. True, I probably pay more attention to these things because I want my language use to be special, but that makes it even worse: if I can't even experess the most fundamental things...
I don't know. It's like I labour things too much, like I can't do anything in a breezy, relaxed way. I feel like I'm doomed to being ponderous: a stiff, dull bore.
I was a host yesterday night: had a sleepover at my place, attended by Pete, Dav, Sylvie and Ellen. It seemed like I had to take each protest, each sign of irritation or boredom from any of the guests personally, and it was an icky feeling indeed. It was fun of course, apart from the unsurprising discomfort of 3 people sleeping in a stuffy room at the onset of summer (and I can now, amusingly, say without technically lying that I was in bed with 2 girls. But it brought all the above out, social events and people whose intelligence I trust are rarely a pleasant mix for me.
What's also very annoying is how I tend not to assertively squash out a lot of these internal squabbles and inadequacies when I know that I can. I just tell them to other people, and when they point out the steps I should take, which more often than not I already know, only then do I act on them. I suppose this journal would be a great distillation of this idea. Urgh.