Just had a nap. 6-6:30ish. Dreamt that Pete, Sylv and somebody else were making fun of me - in a lighthearted manner that suggested undertones of bitterness. There was also an older woman, who seemed to be on my side. We are standing in front of an unstable, sandy hill. It seems to be made up mostly of sand, actually - it shouldnt be standing. I get the idea to climb it, the others scoff and call me crazy. I start climbing and the little rocks that seem to have been keeping the hill standing start falling off. The whole thing looks like a lot of brown sugar in front of me, with chunks of rock...As I'm falling, I physically feel it (my 'real self', I mean). Think there's an element of lucid dreaming there..think I willed it to happen, the falling. Anyway, in the dream I close my eyes, the others are climbing behind me now, for some reason, and blaming me for putting them thru it. I don't know what happens when I collapse on them. It all ended on a note of 'do we die?'

Been feeling a sense of dread recently. Part of it is probably 'cos of my situation with the Linguistics resit, and the fact that it might affect the compensated pass I'll definitely need for MOI. The procedure just makes me kinda queasy. Also dawned on me that Phonetics/Linguistics will be dragging me down throughout the entire course, the entire three years - which means I probably won't get a real chance to excel...which may seem kinda shallow, but the reason I went to Uni was to immerse myself in the subject, to know more and more about less and less. Which is an excellent segue to my other dilemma. Knowing English, I won't be of that much use to anyone, really. Apart from becoming a teacher, or a full-blown academic, neither of which seem to be too appealing to me at this moment in time. Then there's the artist thing, which I'm clinging onto, but sometimes it just seems such a thin vision. Most people I know that are into doing anything creative have something to back them up - I have never had even a part-time job, unless you count the theatre work and what I've done for my dad....

I dunno. All of this sounds terribly affected, and not something I would think for most of the time. Maybe its just the fatigue caused by the bulk of exams that just passed, maybe its the utter boredom of having to study for Phonetics/Phonology, which is on Wed. But even though my abilities seem to be getting me somewhere (the articles I've written, the new monthly cartoon, the possibility of an exhibition soon) - my self-image keeps reverting to that of the skinny, flaky, gawky and weak guy who can't do anything practical and is a social invalid who's crap with girls. Everything seems wobbly and uncertain, and the very fact that even my English course - which is something I should be eating up - is uncertain makes me feel even more crap/useless. If I don't excel at something I enjoy: what is the point of it all?

This could be all springing from the fear that the summer will be ruined by the threat of resits. And from the looks of it, it'll be a crucial one, otherwise: working at the Media Today offices (actual work experience, money and a SKILL), the exhibition...and Pete being here till September. Oh, and tons of reading I want to do hehe.

The worst part is that the fear makes me ashamed. If I'm getting worked up over measly exams, how the hell am I going to manage facing much more difficult things in the future?

I know I'll get over most of this, I know that I'll also stop caring about being directly 'useful' to society. But, like I always said..it's my journal and I'll whine if I want to.

T.